Bilbo's Misadventures: The Honking Devil
by VashandNaomiForever
Summary: Bilbo has brought home with him a pursuer, one of evil intent. He rushes to find salvation in Thorin, knowing the king can defeat anything. Thorin doesn't see what all the fuss is about. Everything gets out of control in this silly tale. Second chapter added, showing how the goose met his end!
1. Chapter 1

The sweeping sound of wings flapping aggressively, the feeling of terror as he ran on in a wild panic, desperate to get away from the pursuing evil that followed him so relentlessly! Hairy feet pounded hard against the dirt, legs pushing past shrubbery as the hobbit continued to haul ass towards the only place he could seek help from his malicious follower, The Lonely Mountain.

The fleeing Bilbo let out a cry of pain, having felt a sharp affront on his defenseless rump, his mouth beginning to cry out for any assistance there might have been patrolling the outskirts of his current home.

His searching, desperate eyes welling with tears, found refuge in a lumbering form he knew he could count on. With extra haste he zoomed as quickly as his legs could take him, towards the dwarf who currently had his back turned.

"Help me, Thorin!" Bilbo pleaded loudly as he came closer and closer, the dwarf hearing the noise and turning.

"Bilbo, what's the matter with you?" He called uncertainly, his eyes distrustful.

"It's after me, the winged devil has been chasing me since I left town!" Bilbo yelled in frustration, reaching Thorin and hiding behind him defensively.

The dwarf looked at the 'devil' in question and his eyes saw only the waddling form of a disgruntled looking goose. His brows raised, the dwarf looked from little Bilbo to the goose, wondering what the fuss had been about.

"It's a goose, Bilbo." He stated simply.

"It's a menace! These nasty creatures were band from The Shire because too many hobbits were getting black eyes and broken noses from the aggressive beasts! Look at him, his beady, lifeless eyes boring into you. He'd take our souls if he had the means to!" Bilbo shook his head unhappily at the creature eyeing them.

"Bilbo, it's a harmless, domestic bird. I think you're being overly dramatic. Here, I'll show you." Thorin, being the practical dwarf that he was, bent down on one knee, reached out his hands and picked up the bird without any fuss from the creature.

"See there? It's perfectly..." The goose was staring the dwarf directly in the eye, his beak very close to his rather dominant nose of Thorin, when suddenly it pecked the overconfident fellow.

"Ahh!" The king cried in pain and shock, taking his strong hands and attempting to strangle the mean birds neck. To this action, the feathered fighter flapped his large wings angrily, hitting Thorin aggressively with them.

"I told you!" Bilbo chimed in loudly, watching in horror as his friend continued to get mauled by the accursed goose!

"Get it off, get it off!" Thorin yelled, hauling around his attached attacker, scaring Bilbo as he unintentionally chased the hobbit about with the goose still stuck to the dwarfs face.

With a mighty toss of his head, the honking goose was angrily thrown from Thorin's body, whacking into Bilbos running form and then falling onto the ground. The weight of the goose hitting him had knocked down the fleeing Bilbo also, his body hurriedly trying to right itself again to run away from the evil creature.

Thorin high tailed it past the rising hobbit, "Run for it, Bilbo!" He called as he went by. The hobbit chasing after him as soon as he was up.

"I thought you weren't afraid of geese!" He taunted the king as they ran from the feathered fiend.

"That's no ordinary goose! You brought home a demon, Bilbo!" Thorin accused the hobbit as they hurried their way towards the mountain home. Thorin would never forget the day Bilbo brought upon him doom in the shape of a goose. The king would never walk by a town persons goose without a nervous twitch bout him. The birds were an untrustworthy lot, no wonder they'd been exiled from Bilbos home in the Shire!

Thorin was too busy trying to flee to even feel embarrassed while running around the mountain like a mad man, Bilbo screaming in terror behind him not helping the kings own fragile state of mind. Together they ran around in circles until Dwalin, seeming to come out of no where, took his mighty axe and threw it at the aggressive creature. To everyone's surprise, he had missed his target! And now he too was defenseless, his weapon gone now and the two fleeing companions leading the angry bird right for him!

"You're not gonna scare _this_ dwarf, goose. Give me your best shot!" Dwalin stood his ground while Thorin and Bilbo ran past, his fists raised as the goose rushed towards him.

Webbed feet pushed against the ground as large wings flapped fast and hard, the goose launching itself right at the wide eyed Dwalin. The furious flutter of feathers set him off balance, the goose latching its beak onto the dwarfs beard as its clawed, webbed feet slapped against his chest as he ungracefully fell.

Thorin and Bilbo watched in silent shock as Dwalin rolled around the ground with the demonic acting bird attacking him over and over again. His war cry turning quickly into that of a whimpering child, as the mean animal tore into him relentlessly.

Fili and Kili had been nearby and when hearing their friend Dwalin shrieking, the two decided to investigate. Imagine their surprise to see the mighty warrior, Dwalin, rolling around in the dirt with a flapping creature attached to his beard. With one look of silent understanding to one another, the boys charged in. Voices loud and threatening as they approached the fight taking place, their booted feet stopping abruptly beside the downed dwarf, as they began kicking at the goose aggressively.

In their good natured attempt to kick off the mean spirited animal, the dwarfs were more often than not whacking Dwalin with their booted feet. His ribs getting bruised, while the goose only received a few ruffled feathers, Dwalin tried yelling at them to stop, but it only proved to make them kick harder and faster.

All this craziness got worse when Bofur showed up, flute in hand, to see what all the noise was about. His eyes took in the bird and automatically the dwarf thought that music could cure the beasts temper. He hurried up there, closer to the wailing form of Dwalin and the kicking nephews as his mouth puckered up readily to his musical instrument.

"What's he doing?" Bilbo asked Thorin from the safe distance they kept from the scene taking place.

"I don't know, Bilbo. He looks like he's about to serenade the damn creature!" Thorin shook his head at how stupid that idea was.

The two listened as the light, floating music from Bofurs flute played over the sounds of Dwalin wailing voice and the crunching booted kicks Fili and Kili were dishing out. Was Bofur truly going to stop the fighting with his talented playing?

The flapping paused, the goose briefly let go of it's hold on Dwalins beard to stare it's beady little eyes of evil at the musical dwarf. Dwalin stayed very still as he watched the creature eye someone else for a change, the nephews also had stopped their kicking, watching the goose intently.

With waddling determination, the goose moved its body off the form of Dwalin to get close to the playing dwarf. It's webbed feet coming to a halt directly in front of Bofur.

Bofur paused his playing to brag openly to the others, "See there, music can tame any beast!" He looked around at everyone self assured, his eyes now off the cunning goose of mayhem.

"All you're fighting about and all it took to get it calm was playing a bit of sweet sounding..." His head turned back towards the bird, the miffed thing propelling its neck upwards as it's beak sought the flapping lower lip of Bofur.

The dwarf let out a cry of surprise, his lip clamped down as the goose hung onto it determinedly.

"Let go." He spoke in a bit of a lisp, his lower lip starting to hurt very badly. He tried pulling on the neck of the creature, but it only pinched tighter!

Bofur lost his cool, he began whacking the goose with his flute, the animal flapping its wings in retaliation.

"I'm getting out of here!" Dwalin declared as he got up from his position on the ground and began limping away.

Bofur kept hitting the goose harder and harder until finally it let go momentarily. Everyone tensed at the moment, the goose was undoubtedly angry and considered all of them a possible target.

"Run!" Bilbo cried as he and Thorin took off towards Dwalins direction, flying past the fast limping dwarf. Kili and Fili had seen enough madness that they too decided to run to fight another day. Having a very sore lip, Bofur also wanted nothing more to do with the pissed off goose and ran around it to follow his fleeing friends.

The goose chased after the group, it's large wings flapping like a hurricane, it's loud honking a verbal warning to the dwarfs and hobbit that they'd better run faster. It wasn't everyday that you saw so many warriors chased outright by a domestic goose, the goose they'd all later deem "The Honking Devil".

-0-0-

The Hobbit belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien


	2. The Honking Devil's End

They all hurried into the mountain, clambering into the kitchens and shutting themselves off from the honking noise of the goose.

"It's followed us into our own home! What are we going to do now?" Bilbo whined miserably.

All eyes looked to Thorin for guidance, he was the king after all, shouldn't he be the one to form a plan of action?

"What are you all staring at? We're in the mountain now, we can go out the back door of the kitchens, and grab real weapons to slaughter this nasty bird!" He spoke his simple idea, everyone nodding their head in agreement.

The group of six began moving through the kitchen, passing by the large shaped dwarf named Bombur. He pointed a finger to the closed door with a curious look on his face.

"Don't open it, Bombur. There's a goose on a rampage out there! We're going to grab weapons and take it out as soon as we can. Till then, leave it be." Bilbo warned the plump dwarf, taking his leave through the back exit with the other dwarfs.

Bombur was a talented cook, and he hadn't had the opportunity to taste the flavorful meat of a goose for some time. When Bilbo mention a goose right at his door, the dwarf automatically began imaging the different ways of preparing the tasty bird.

Sausage like fingers gripped the nearest butcher knife as the hungry dwarf started his way towards the closed door. Why those others were acting so afraid of this creature, the dwarf would never know. Geese were game birds like quail and ducks, meant to be eaten or simply used for their eggs.

Slowly, the dwarf creaked the door open a crack, searching for the feathered interloper. The honking alerted him, his eyes landing on the patiently waiting goose, it's neck curved a bit as it stared up at the peeking dwarf. Carefully, Bombur placed a foot in the crack of the door, wanting to move slowly towards the watchful fowl.

It's sharp beak snapped at the slightly exposed boot, making the dwarf chuckle at the bird's actions. He was by no means afraid of the defensive animal.

Bombur cracked open the door until it was completely open, his prey watching him carefully. In a swift motion, the heavy dwarf moved with lightning like speed and sliced at the goose with his knife...

-0-0-

By the time Bilbo and the gang reached the armory and got all the gear they thought they'd need, an hour had gone by. They marched confidently in their armor with weapons at the ready towards the door of the kitchen where they'd left the evil honking menace.

All eyes saw no sign of the bird, the group splitting up to search throughout the mountain for the elusive thing. Hours went by and no one saw the missing intruder, the kitchen was the final place where everyone gathered to search without optimism for the mean spirited goose.

The smell caught everyone's attention, honey roasted sweetness along with herb smells of basil and thyme were wafting through the air. Dwalin, Fili and Kili started talking about their lack of a lunch and how hungry they were feeling. Bilbo and Thorin walked up together to the busy cook, Bombur. He was roasting something large, the hobbit and kingly dwarf eyed the roasting meat curiously. It looked like a large duck, that's when the connection started to come together mentally for the gazing dwarf and hobbit.

"It seems our intruder has met it's end at the hands of our cook." Thorin spoke to everyone in the room, Dwalin and his nephews coming over to gaze at the roasting goose.

"Way to go, Bombur!" Kili patted the large dwarfs back heartily.

"How'd you take out the accursed bird?" Dwalin asked of his friend, Bombur shrugging his shoulders nonchalantly.

"Either way, we are rid of the devil and have supper for the evening. A fine ending to a miserable afternoon!" Thorin spoke his sentiments, everyone nodding in complete agreement.

-0-0-

The pleasantly plump dwarf had been fast, but not fast enough. The quick footed goose dodged the blade and started circling his attacker, honking mad and wings flapping in annoyance. Twisting and turning to watch the goose circle him, the dwarf lost balance and fell.

A loud crunching sound happened underneath him, the dwarf realizing that his misstep had been a blessing in disguise. He'd fallen onto the goose! The cracking sounds had undoubtedly been its many bones breaking, the heavy dwarf rolled sideways and turned to look at his handiwork.

Gray feathers no longer flapped, the orange beak stayed motionless as black beady eyes stared out, lifeless. The dwarf slowly got to his feet and lifted up the dead body of the goose who had frightened all the others. He carried the bird by the long, soft feeling neck and made his way into the kitchen. There was plucking to be done, and Bombur wanted this bird ready for supper that evening.

-0-0-

The Hobbit belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien


End file.
